¡QUÉ HORROR! 2017

The Preliminaries

"It is happening again."
The time of year for another ¡Qué horror! rundown.

Before we get to the main list, a number of titles (film and television) that, for one reason or another, did not quite cross the line into “horror,” but were nonetheless noteworthy pieces that I felt needed to be acknowledged here.

SPLIT

(September 2016)

“Rejoice!

“The broken are the more evolved.

“Rejoice.”

This one straddled the thriller/horror line, and was ultimately a slam bang run-up to the already on-its-way Glass.

(Though don’t get me started on how this, coupled with Unbreakable, seems to point to Shyamalan echoing Grant Morrison’s Doom Patrol run just a bit too closely.)

BATES MOTEL

(February 2017)

While Bates Motel’s final season initially seemed to indicate that it was finally going to crack into the main rundown, at long last firmly crossing the thriller/horror line, shortly after the sly and gutsy inversion of episode 6, “Marion,” the show settled into tragic, dysfunctional family drama mode.

Don’t get me wrong. I loved this final season (which is why it’s getting a mention here), but, once again and for the final time, Bates Motel stared knowingly at the thriller/horror line, and pointedly declined to cross it.

TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN

(May 2017)

Now this was something I’d never really imagined happening, but I’m so, so glad it did.

And, as with most of David Lynch’s oeuvre, while there are streaks and dollops of horror running through it, it’s a piece that really can’t be classified as “horror” (and I’m almost certain Mr. Lynch wouldn’t think of it as that, either).

And just as he did on Twin Peaks’ original ABC run, Lynch not only pushes the television envelope here, he tears it to shreds.

The a tad over 40 minute journey we take in episode 8, in which we meet the “Woodsman” (AKA Mr. “Got-a-Light?”) is the most harrowing 40 minutes of television I have ever seen.

After over a quarter of a century, Twin Peaks still remains the Best Television Show I have been blessed to have experienced, and The Return is a blistering and thoroughly welcome third season addition to it.

Oh, and good on the Roadhouse, for upping their game with the musicians they’ve invited onto their stage…

“… I don’t even know what to call it… this piece of art or… ‘cause I feel like calling it a television show… it aired on television, but it doesn’t feel like a television show for all the best possible reasons…”

--Damon Lindelof, on Twin Peaks: The Return

(Split & Twin Peaks: The Return OS’ courtesy of bloody-disguting.com; Bates Motel OS courtesy of impawards.com.)

LOST
Season 4 Episodes 13 & 14
“There’s No Place Like Home” (Parts Two and Three)
Written by Damon Lindelof & Carlton Cuse
Directed by Jack Bender
(WARNING: SPOILERS)

Given the density of events (and resultant chaotic emotions left in those events’ wakes) in this season’s 2-hour finale, I opted to break this into 2 parts, if only to make it a more manageable read.

[1 of 2]

Okay. So the “Frozen Donkey Wheel” has been revealed to the world, and we now know who emerged on the top of the Casket Candidate List (my top three: Michael, Ben, or Locke).
Given the density of events in this season’s 2-hour finale, you’ll perhaps understand if I may inadvertently leave some bit or other out.
Hopefully though, senility won’t get too much of an upper hand…
Into the breach then…


Wondrously, majestically, that spectacular final moment from last season’s finale, comes all the way around the past dozen episodes, and segues into the opening moments of this season’s finale, as Kate actually stops the car in response to Beardo Jack’s plea of returning to the Island.
They have another heart-wrenching conversation, which firmly establishes that it’s been three years since they got off the Island, and that, no way is Kate ever going back there.
Ever.

Now, I’ll have to break protocol and leave off from the flashforward for the moment, and take on the Island goings-on first.

Zodiac Daniel returns to the Beach for the second group to be ferried to the Kahana, and he tells Miles and Charlotte that they should both be on the Zodiac when this trip leaves.
Miles though, opts to stay on the Island (hmmmm…), and is actually surprised that Charlotte seems to be willing to leave the Island as well, considering how hard she’s worked to “get back here” (double hmmmm…).
True enough, when Daniel asks Charlotte again, she says she’s staying, and says something about not yet having found the place where she was born (triple hmmmm…).
So Daniel reluctantly leaves Charlotte, and when Juliet says she’s staying too, since she promised she wouldn’t leave till everyone was safe (did she? I can’t recall that… Go, Ju-Ju! Go!! Can’t you see that look Daniel has? And Daniel, you moron! Tell her!!! Graaarrr!!!!)
So Idiot Zodiac Daniel zooms off…


Meanwhile, Richard and the Others finding Kate and Sayid last episode turns out to be a gambit to rescue Ben.
Even as Keamy is bringing Ben back to the helicopter, where they find Frank still trying to break out of the handcuffs, Kate runs into the clearing, supposedly escaping the Others’ clutches.
The mercenaries fan out into the jungle, but it’s a trap, of course, and they’re picked off one by one, as Kate and Ben scamper off into the jungle, Keamy in hot pursuit. Keamy’s then tackled by Sayid, and a brutal tussle kicks in. It looks like Keamy’s gonna break Sayid’s neck, when Keamy’s shot in the back (by Richard, if I recall correctly).
He’s apparently dead. (Riiiiiighhhht.)
Ben asks what the arrangement was, and Richard says, They help us, and we let them get off the Island.
Ben says, Fair enough. Take the helicopter.


Meanwhile, Jack and Sawyer find Hurley (relieving himself, if I’m not mistaken).
Locke (who can’t find the damned flower Ben mentioned) then attempts to draw Jack into a conversation, to try and convince him that he’s not supposed to leave the Island.
Doc Obsesso doesn’t listen, of course.
Locke, seeing that he can’t change Jack’s mind, makes the plea for the Great Lie, so as to protect the Island. Doc Obsesso scoffs, It’s an island. It doesn’t need to be protected.
Locke says, It’s not an Island. It’s a place where miracles happen.
Naturally, Doc Obsesso claims there are no such things as miracles (despite having gotten his future ex-wife-to-be to walk again, when all indications pointed to the fact that he’d failed to help her)…
Jack is just leaving, when Ben returns. Ben then tells Jack about Kate and Sayid being at the helicopter, and that he should leave if he still intends to.
Jack watches as Ben and Locke get into an elevator and descend into the real Orchid Station.


Jack, Sawyer, and Hurley reach the helicopter, and even as they’re all getting aboard, I’m thinking, So what’s gonna happen to Sawyer (since he isn’t part of the Oceanic Six)?!
And when Hurley asks Jack if they’re coming back to look for Claire, and Jack says, Sure, I’m also thinking, Damn you, Desmond! Where’s your Claire and Aaron getting on a helicopter flash?! Damn you, Lindelof and Cuse! Where’s that flaaaassssshhhh?!?
The answer to the Sawyer question comes soon enough though, as it appears a bullet hit the helicopter and they’re leaking fuel, so if they don’t land soon, they go ker-splash.
Needing to lighten the load, so they can get to the freighter faster, everything that isn’t bolted down gets tossed into the ocean, including… Sawyer!
Actually, when Frank says he’ll be happier if they lose another 200 pounds, there’s a sad shot of Hurley (who’s probably having a traumatic flashback to the whole “dock collapse-due-to-my-weight” thing), before Sawyer whispers something in Kate’s ear (presumably the favour she attends to later on, presumably involving Cassidy and Sawyer’s daughter), liplocks with Kate (which Jack sees with his own Obsesso eyes), then jumps out of the helicopter!
Jack promises they’ll send the helicopter back to look for Sawyer once they’re safely on the freighter. (Riiiiiighhhht.)


Meanwhile, back on the freighter, where it’s supposed to be safe (damn you, Lindelof and Cuse!), Des, Michael, and Jin try and figure out how to stop the C4 from going ka-blooey.
Even as Des (who had some six months’ experience with explosives during his military stint) determines that the C4 will go ka-blooey when some device or other receives a radio signal, Michael figures they can freeze the battery with liquid nitrogen to prevent—or at the very least, slow—the chemical reaction that will trigger the ka-blooey-ness.
(Guessing though that that thingy on Keamy’s arm is what’s supposed to trigger the ka-blooey-ness, why hasn’t the freighter blown sky high yet? Because Sun and Aaron are still on it! Which also means that Keamy’s still alive, despite those bullets to the back…)


And, true enough, who should take the down elevator to the Orchid, but Keamy and his body armor!
But first, Locke is shown the initial portion of the Orchid Orientation video, which seems to indicate that, as Ben succinctly puts it, “time-traveling bunnies” are indeed possible! (Thus, we have confirmation that there is actual physical time-traveling going on in the Lost-verse.)
According to the video, “The Vault” (built adjacent to a “pocket of negatively-charged exotic matter,” where the subject meant to do the time-traveling is to be placed) is also supposed to be kept clear of any metallic objects, but even as Locke is learning this, Ben the Busy Bug-Eyed Bee is placing everything metallic that he can find in the station, into the Vault!
Which is when Keamy arrives.
There’s a conversation, and a scuffle, and when Keamy unwisely goads Ben about Alex’s death, Ben goes postal and stabs the baddie… despite Keamy already having explained about the dead man’s trigger on his arm, and the freighter’s instant ka-blooey-ness, should his heart stop beating.
Locke tries to save the schmuck’s life (so as to prevent the freighter instantly going ka-blooey), but he fails…

… Keamy croaks…


… and back at the Kahana, the light goes red, giving them all about 5 minutes to get off it before the impending ka-blooey.
So Michael valiantly stays to continue freezing the battery to slow the chemical reaction. He tells Des and Jin to go, though Jin stays by Michael’s side.
Even as Des gets to the upper deck, the helicopter comes in, needing to land badly, to refuel.
In the few short minutes of the helicopter actually being on the freighter’s deck, they do their best to plug the bullet hole, pump as much fuel in as they can, and scramble back on board the helicopter.
Below deck, Michael runs out of insta-freeze, and tells Jin, Go, you’re a father now. Take care of your wife and baby, so Jin takes off for the upper deck.
Meanwhile, Sun wants to go below deck to get Jin, but Kate tells her, I’ll go, you take Aaron to the helicopter.
But Jack grabs Kate and says, I’m not leaving without you, and drags her back to the helicopter.
Frank takes off, the Oceanic Six and Des on-board (and I’m thinking, Oh no, what happens to Des?), even as Jin makes it onto the deck, and Sun’s screaming to go back for Jin, and Christian appears to Michael and dismisses him (“You can go now, Michael”), and the Kahana goes ka-blooey.
And poor Sun just keeps on screaming, till Jack tells her, He’s gone, and I’m thinking, Oh no, Sun’ll never forgive him…


So the freighter goes ka-blooey, taking Michael with it (he was right next to the C4, right? This also effectively takes him off the Casket Candidate List…), along with all the poor sock puppets ferried there to their doom by Idiot Zodiac Daniel.
As for Jin, he could have conceivably been blown off the freighter by the explosion, or am I being hideously naïve here?

Back on the beach, Sawyer rises from the sea, shirtless now (and a host of female Lost fans shriek with mad glee), to find Ju-Ju getting sloshed on Dharma rum.
So what are we celebrating? he asks.
I’m not celebrating, Ju-Ju replies, pointing to the column of smoke out at sea.
Our boat? Sawyer asks.
It was, says poor, poor Ju-Ju, who has, yet again missed her chance to get off the Island…

COUNTDOWN: 35.

(Lost OS courtesy of impawards.com.)

PUSHING DAISIES
Season 2 Episode 1
“Bzzzzzzz!”
Written by Bryan Fuller
Directed by Adam Kane
(WARNING: SPOILERS)

Well, this one had its moments, and a bunch of welcome guest spots: French Stewart as Wolsey Nicholls, intent on taking over Betty’s BeesTM; Autumn Reeser as the rather unlucky Number One Bee Girl of Betty’s BeesTM, Kentucky Fitts, who’s the main corpus dilecti of the episode; and Diana Scarwid (yay!) as, not just any nun, but the Mother Superior herself.


Sadly, Scarwid is part of the subplot that I’m having trouble with: for some reason best known to the show’s writers, Olive has been sent off to a nunnery by Lily, the very same nunnery where she brought Chuck to term, because of the secret she’s privy to: that Chuck is in fact, Lily’s daughter, a secret that would kill Vivian, as she was actually engaged to Chuck’s father when the affair took place.
Sure, the nun costumes are cool and kooky, and Pigby has his own certain charm, but I’m dubious about the whole thread and wondering where they plan to take it and what its raison d’etre is.


At any rate, it’s great to have Pushing Daisies back, and to see Adam Kane at the helm again.
They also at least seem to be kicking up Emerson’s lost daughter subplot, so that’s a plus, as Chi McBride rules.
I mean, Steven Harper to Emerson Cod.
Who knew?

(Images courtesy of ABC, avclub.com, and destinything.com.)

THE MIDDLEMAN
Season 1 Episode 5
“The Flying Fish Zombification”
Written by Andy Reaser
Directed by Allan Kroeker

So the MiddlePlot in this episode involves a quasi-zombie outbreak, courtesy of the Peruvian flying pike, while the Dub Dub personal life subplot involves “Art Crawl,” the regular art show Wendy and her gang of bohemian art fiends indulge in.


Given that there were not only quasi-zombies in this one, but also some airborne aquatic meanies (a tribute to James Cameron’s deathless Piranha II: Flying Killers?), I had high hopes for it.
And yeah, it did play better than either of the two previous episodes, but it still lacked some, ahem, bite.
And Pip (The Bold and the Beautiful’s Drew Tyler Bell; also in Victor Salva’s Jeepers Creepers II), the talentless would-be artist/son of the owner of the building Wendy has her illegal sublet in, is a less-than-inspired character. (I’m already having trouble with Noser, people…)


There were some great bits though, like Ali Damji as Rod Argent, whose brand new wife just got all zombie on him, and !!!! (Matt Keeslar, who really just owns the Middleman role, does a fantastic !!!!)
For those, I’m grateful.
But the whole sub-MiddlePlot involving Sensei Ping’s training of Wendy seemed a tad odd considering we never see Sensei Ping at all…
Hurrrr…


Ah, well, let me just accentuate the positive (something I’m sure Dr. Gil might say, if he were still with us): this one’s better than the past two episodes…

(Images courtesy of abcfamily.go.com.)

THE MIDDLEMAN
Season 1 Episode 4
“The Manicoid Teleportation Conundrum”
Written by Tracey Stern
Directed by Jeremiah Chechik


So Ben, Wendy’s “sexually ambiguous doorknob of a boyfriend,” posts that video he took of his breakup with Wendy (the one he claimed was for a class project) on the Internet, and it’s gotten 750,000 hits in a single day.
And that’s just the start of it…
Then, while Wendy’s cyberspace humiliation rages, she’s in for a Pop Quiz Day, courtesy of the Middleman, while some curiously odd-looking rich people are disappearing, only to reappear on the exact spot of their disappearance, minus their heads…


On the heels of the previous episode’s luchador hijinx, this one isn’t quite the quantum improvement I was hoping for.
Yes, there’re some references to Tears For Fears and Italian zombie movies (in particular, Zombi 2; go, Lucio Fulci!), as well as some 24, but those don’t a good episode make.
And the Dr. Phil jab really isn’t all that funny either…


(Middleman images courtesy of abcfamily.go.com; Zombi 2 25th Anniversary Special Edition 2-Disc Set DVD cover art courtesy of amazon.com.)

THE MIDDLEMAN
Season 1 Episode 3
“The Sino-Mexican Revelation”
Teleplay by Javier Grillo-Marxuach
Directed by Jeremiah Chechik

Hey, the Sensei Ping they make mention of in the Pilot? It’s Mark Dacascos! With a luchador mask on!
So that’s a neat bit of casting in an episode that was, sadly, not as enjoyable as The Middleman’s first two outings.


There were some pluses, mind.
The nice opening sequence in particular, where we see Wendy’s CrapMobile, a Hruck Bugbear (“the pinnacle of Balkan Cold War engineering”) and get a “Girls On Film” reference.
We also get a glimpse of a Middleman-that-might-have-been, and later on, begin to get a sense of what possible characteristics make for a Middleman candidate.
The promise of those intriguing bits though, doesn’t quite lead to an effective episode.


And it’s not the patently ridiculous plot involving luchadores; that I can get behind 100%. Luchadores are cool.
And the patently fake fight scenes? Like the show’s low-rent CGI, they only serve to heighten The Middleman’s charming B-movie appeal.
It’s the overkill of repetition, whether of characters’ self-descriptive declarations (I hope to be spared of Lacey’s “confrontational, spoken-word performance artist” schtick in subsequent episodes) or descriptions of places of interest (the Booty Chest schtick).
The inexplicable display of various time zones also got old pretty quick in this one.


It saddened me that the mighty monster that is Gree-Joe Marks-Watch wrote this installment. You’d think that the show’s creator would give us the best episodes.
I can only hope that this worked better on the comic book page (due to the teleplay credit, I assume this, like the Pilot, was a script adapted from a particular Middleman comic).
On the small screen, however, it just doesn’t pop.
Even the debut of the MiddleJet didn’t really liven things up.

(Images courtesy of abcfamily.go.com, io9.com, and themiddleblog.livejournal.com.)

LOST
Season 4 Episode 12
“There’s No Place Like Home” (Part One)
Written by Damon Lindelof & Carlton Cuse
Directed by Stephen Williams
(WARNING: SPOILERS)


Frakkin’ Admiral Cain works for Oceanic!

Sorry.

Okay, flashforward.
We see the Oceanic Six get presented to the press for the first time, and hear the official cover-up story, as delivered by Karen Decker (Michelle Forbes, a.k.a. Battlestar Galactica’s Admiral Psycho-B!tch Cain).
We then track the Six as they re-assimilate into society.

Nadia makes her way to the press conference, and is reunited with Sayid. (Of course, we all know how that’s gonna end…)


Using the “very significant” settlement paid her by Oceanic, Sun purchases a controlling interest in her father’s company, and in a fantastic scene, she confronts her evil da, and says, You’re the reason why we were on that plane. Two people are responsible for my husband’s death, and you are one of them.
She goes on to say, I will have my baby, and then we will discuss what is to become of our company. (Sun’s really scary when you cross her…)


Hugo is given a surprise birthday party, with most of the Oceanic Six in attendance (Jack is running late). His pops gives him his birthday gift: the Firebird, which has finally been completed.
As a kind of memorial, Hugo’s da rebuilt it when he’d thought Hugo was gone. Now, it’s Hugo’s. But when he gets in, he sees the speedometer and odometer (is that right?) and they are, naturally, turned to the cursed numbers.
So Hugo loses it and runs off, down the street…

At the memorial for Christian, who should show up, but Claire’s mum, and she tells Jack all.
Your father was in Sydney to see his daughter, who also happened to be on the plane you were on, and her name was Claire…. We can see just how this slams into poor Jack, and the woman, totally oblivious, passes Kate as she leaves the church, and says, You have a beautiful son…


Now, back to the Island, where things get FUBAR right quick, as we careen towards the two-hour season finale.

Much to Juliet’s agony, Jack runs off into the jungle with Kate, to track the NaomiPhone’s signal, which will lead them to the helicopter.
They run into Sawyer, Miles, and Aaron. Jack keeps on going, while Kate is stuck with Aaron, so Sawyer accompanies Jack.
They eventually find the helicopter, and find Frank handcuffed to it. Frank tells them as soon as he’s free, he can fly them to safety, and they should do it before Keamy and his goons get back.
Frank says they’re here for Ben, and they won’t be very nice to anyone else they find with him. Sawyer says, Hugo’s with Ben.
Naturally, Jack and Sawyer go off to rescue Hugo…


By the time Sayid gets the Zodiac to the beach, Kate’s arrived. Kate and Sayid decide to go after Jack, while Daniel volunteers to start ferrying people to the freighter. On the first trip, Sun, Jin, and Aaron.
When Sun and Jin get to the freighter, they see Michael, and understandably, aren’t terribly thrilled to see him.
Michael also gets to fix the engines, but Des finds that there’s a whole lotta C4 on the boat…
Meanwhile, Kate and Sayid follow Jack’s tracks, but end up being taken by Richard and the Others…

Ben, Locke, and Hugo, on the other hand, under orders to “move the Island,” head for the Orchid Station, where Keamy and his goons are already by the time they arrive.
Ben gives Locke very specific instructions to get to the elevator that will bring him down to the real Orchid Station, while Ben, to keep Keamy and his goons distracted, gives himself up to Widmore’s troops…


Well, there we are, and just two hours away from season’s end.
It is, of course, a poignant moment, seeing the Oceanic Six initially reunited with their respective families, made all the more bittersweet since Kate has no one to greet her, as does Sayid (Nadia shows up afterwards), though Hugo does intro Sayid to his parents.


The subsequent Oceanic Six off-Island bits are also an emotional minefield (we know how Sayid’s reunion with Nadia will end; we see Sun the Terrible; and we see the beginning of the decline, for both Hugo and Jack), serving as counterpoint to the Island present bits, which—in keeping with past season wrap-ups—is very much focused on narrative propulsion, of getting to the finale with as much momentum as humanly possible.

COUNTDOWN: 36.

(Images courtesy of ABC, ew.com, and variety.com.)

THE MIDDLEMAN
Season 1 Episode 1
“The Pilot Episode Sanction”
Teleplay by Javier Grillo-Marxuach
Directed by Jeremiah Chechik

“You know how in comic books, there’s all kinds of mad scientists and aliens and androids and monsters and all of them want to either destroy or take over the world?”
“In comic books, sure.”
“Well, it really does work like that.”


Wendy Watson (Natalie Morales) is a comic-loving, Xbox-playing artist whose temp job inadvertently brings her into contact with the Middleman (The Last Days of Disco’s Matt Keeslar), whose job it is to deal with comic book evil.
You see, all those wonky four-colour baddies—the monsters and aliens and mad doctors and killer robots? Well, contrary to what straight society wishes us to believe, and lining up precisely with what we’ve always known, they actually exist.
And the Middleman’s our non-spandex wearing hero.
And Wendy? Well, she’s about to be the Middleman’s sidekick. (Though I imagine Wendy would much rather be called, I dunno, his assistant?)


That’s ABC Family’s new show, The Middleman, in a nutshell.
Based on a comic book written by former Lost writer, Javier Grillo-Marxuach (which, if memory serves, is pronounced “Ha-vee-air Gree-joe Marks-watch”), The Middleman is a fun and irreverent romp that finds all the neat hilarity in comic book tropes and pop culture fixtures without making fun of them.
This first episode alone (directed by Jeremiah Chechik, whose feature film work includes Benny & Joon and the Diabolique redux) takes on a convention beloved of DC Comics, and is a great introduction to the wacky world of the Middleman.


Aside from the fact that Grillo-Marxuach’s writing is silly-sharp-funny, Morales and Keeslar are well cast, fully getting the tone of the show, not always as simple a task as it may sound; sometimes, there’s only a narrow margin between loving, good-natured, humorous homage, and spoof/parody.
Not only are Morales and Keeslar amusing and engaging protagonists, they also prove to be adept at delivering sometimes incredulously goofy lines at a mile a minute.
And sure, the CGI is distinctly TV-grade, but the fakey look of the effects just adds to the B-movie charm of the show’s premise.

Admittedly, this doesn’t leave the gate with quite as much propulsion as, say, the Heroes Pilot, and the show does appear to have some minor kinks it’ll need to work out (hopefully sooner rather than later), but if you’re a comic book geek, The Middleman is definitely a show to be checked out; if you know how to have fun with your comics, I’d like to think you’ll have fun with this too.

Parting shot: 24 fans, take note: Mary Lynn Rajskub shows up in the Pilot as Dr. Gibbs of Simionics Animal Laboratories.

(Images courtesy of abcfamily.go.com.)

LOST
Season 4 Episode 11
“Cabin Fever”
Written by Elizabeth Sarnoff & Kyle Pennington
Directed by Paul Edwards
(WARNING: SPOILERS)


“But you’ll understand soon enough that there are consequences to being chosen, because destiny, John, is a fickle b!tch.”
-- Ben

Hoo-boy!
Okay, Locke flashback first.
Turns out that John was a premature baby, brought into the world at 6 months because Emily got hit by a car as she was on her way to see John’s evil conman da. (Ironically enough, this installment is this season’s Mother’s Day episode…)
Apparently though, John was meant to survive, as he survived infections and other assorted medical troubles to emerge from the incubator, only to have Emily chicken out, thus resulting in him being put up for adoption.
But who should be at the hospital but Richard! Looking as young as he does on the Island present!


Years later, Richard visits John at a foster home, and says he represents a school for very gifted children. Richard has John take a test, asking him to choose from a number of objects those that he’s already owned.
John picks a compass, a small container of what appears to be sand, and, much to Richard’s disapproval, a knife.
This was apparently the wrong choice, as Richard quickly leaves, taking the objects with him.

Years later again, and John’s in high school and being bullied and beaten up. He’s told (by someone who I assume is the principal) that he’s been invited to a science camp in Portland, run by Mittelos.
But John says he isn’t a scientist. He likes sports and hunting and other physical pursuits. He’s told that he shouldn’t resist who he’s meant to be. He’s told that he can’t be a prom king, that he can’t be a quarterback, that he can’t be a superhero.
John says (and I’m sure you know what’s coming), Don’t tell me what I can’t do.

Years later again, after getting pushed out of that hotel window by his evil conman da, and while he’s still clearly despondent as he struggles with his physical rehabilitation, he’s visited in hospital by sinister Mr. Abaddon, who’s apparently the one who gave John the idea to go on the walkabout.
Abaddon tells John, You’ll go on that walkabout like I did, and you’ll discover who you really are, and when we meet again, you’ll owe me one.


And, back on the Freighter…
Keamy finds out it was Michael who told Ben all about him, and Keamy tries to shoot Michael, but his gun jams… (Guess the Island still needs Michael.)
Keamy breaks out Widmore’s second protocol, which apparently goes, “torch the Island.”
Gault sees this is all spiraling out of control, so he gives Sayid the Zodiac, so Sayid can start ferrying people to the boat. Desmond though, says he’s not setting foot on the Island again, and that he’ll wait on the boat for Penny.
So Sayid Zodiacs his way back to the Island.
Meanwhile, Michael tells Frank that Keamy’s on his way back to the Island to kill everyone on it. So Frank refuses to fly them back, to which Keamy responds by slitting the poor doctor’s throat and throwing him overboard, where his corpse will presumably float through some temporal anomaly so it can be found on the beach two episodes ago. (I just love this show!)
Keamy then warns Frank he’s ready to kill someone else if Frank doesn’t fly the helicopter.
Gault arrives and holds Keamy at gunpoint, but is distracted by some device strapped to Keamy’s arm. Keamy then shoots the captain, convincing Frank he does need to fly the helicopter.
But Frank surreptitiously places a NaomiPhone into a bag, which he later drops onto the beach as the helicopter flies over. (I assume Frank did this without Keamy noticing.)

On the beach, Jack (who is up and about against Juliet’s express orders to stay put, lest his stitches open up) finds the NaomiPhone, and thinks they’re being asked to follow the helicopter’s path.


Over with the cabin hunters, Locke has a dream where he meets dead Horace Goodspeed (Doug Hutchison), who John sees building the cabin. Dream Horace tells John to find him, so he can find the cabin.
John then leads them to the mass grave where the Dharma corpses are, and finds a map of the cabin in the pocket of Horace’s overalls. They then trek to the cabin, and when they get there, both Ben and Hugo opt to let John enter the cabin by himself.
Inside, John sees Christian (who admits that he isn’t Jacob, but that he’s representing him), and Claire, who seems to be acting very strangely, casually claiming, I’m with him. (This is so not the Claire we know and love…)
John’s confused by Claire’s presence (as are we), but Christian says, The Boat People are almost here. Ask the question that really matters.
John asks, What do I have to do to save the Island?

Later, John exits the cabin, and when Ben asks if he was told what needed to be done, John says, He wants us to move the Island.


Ho-kay… move the Island…
Riiiight…
And what is up with Claire?! Did that exploding house back at the Barracks do something more to her than just knock her for a loop? Is she really (like her father) now one of those dead people other people still see? What about Des’ “Claire and Aaron get on a helicopter” vision?! Did Charlie sacrifice himself, not in vain exactly, but not for the person he thought he was doing it for? Graaarrr!!!

With all the neat stuff in this episode though, arguably the most tantalizing scene here is the test Richard gives Locke.
And the interesting parallel between Richard apparently sensing something special about Locke, in (perhaps subconsciously) the same way Locke sensed something special about Walt…
And next up, in what appears to be yet another temporal anomaly, the season’s two-part, three-hour ender…

COUNTDOWN: 37.

(Images courtesy of ABC, ew.com, and usatoday.com [Keamy].)

LOST
Season 4 Episode 10
“Something Nice Back Home”
Written by Adam Horowitz & Edward Kitsis
Directed by Stephen Williams
(WARNING: SPOILERS)

WTF?! She just disappeared into the jungle?!

Sorry.

Okay.
Flash-forward first.

We get a post-trial Jack and Kate, and apparently, Jack took Kate up on her offer and has evidently come to terms with seeing Aaron, so the three of them are currently playing at Happy Families, with Alice in Wonderland the bedtime reading of choice.
But the old obsessive Jack is still around, as he catches Kate on the phone with someone, and he clearly suspects something’s going on that he’s not supposed to know about.
Jack then gets a glimpse of Christian, and gets called down to Santa Rosa, where Hugo’s stopped taking his meds. Hugo tells Jack of Charlie’s visits, and says Charlie has a message for Jack: You’re not supposed to raise him. (Really creepy, this, particularly since it purportedly came from Charlie’s mouth, and it seems to imply that the “him” is Aaron.)
Hugo also tells Jack that Charlie said someone would be visiting Jack, soon.

As if to disprove the pronouncements of Hugo’s “Charlie,” Jack asks Kate to marry him, and she says… Yes.
But Jack sees Christian at work and this shakes him to the core, so he asks a fellow doctor to write him a prescription for some meds, claiming the stress from the engagement is getting to him.
Kate arrives at home to find a sloshed Jack, who confronts her about where she’s been. She says she had some “errands” to run, but Jack doggedly persists, and Kate says to leave it, but Dr. Obsesso is back in the house, and it comes out: she was doing something for Sawyer. (I suspect something for his daughter, given that Kate already met Cassidy before.)
This pisses off Dr. Obsesso, who pointedly says, Sawyer isn’t here. He chose to stay behind. I’m the one who came back. I’m the one who’s here. I’m the one who saved you.
Kate says, I don’t want you anywhere near my son if you’re going to be like this.
Jack, angrily, He isn’t even related to you!
Enter a sleepy Aaron from screen left, and Kate tearily watches Jack walk out.

Now.
Back to the Island.


The discomfort Jack was taking some meds for in a previous episode turns out to be a troubled appendix that’s fit to burst.
So Juliet tasks Sun and Jin to return to the medical station to retrieve surgical instruments and medical supplies for the instant Island appendectomy. But since the Kwons aren’t familiar with the instruments and medical paraphernalia, Daniel (who’s experienced at conducting animal autopsies) volunteers.
No one’s really crazy about the idea, but Daniel manages to persuade them that all he really wants to do is help, so he and Charlotte go with the Kwons.
In retrieving the surgical instruments, we learn that, a) Daniel likes Charlotte, and b) Charlotte knows Korean.
Jin picks up on the Brit B!tch’s fluency with the language, and confronts her one-on-one about it, finally getting her to admit she does understand Korean by threatening to break Daniel’s fingers.
Jin asks Charlotte to make sure that when the helicopter returns, that Sun is on it so she can leave the Island. Charlotte apparently agrees.

Meanwhile, Jack requests that he be awake during the surgery so he can talk Juliet through it. He wants Kate to be there, to hold up a mirror so he can view the proceedings, while under a local anesthetic.
Things get hairy during the appendectomy though, and Juliet is forced to have Jack chloroformed.
The procedure looks to be a success, and while Juliet is suturing an apparently unconscious Jack, she tells Kate about the Tempest kiss, and that she believes Jack kissed her so he could prove to himself that he wasn’t in love with, ahem, someone else.
Kate thanks Juliet for saving Jack’s life, but after she’s left the tent, Juliet says, I know you’re awake, and awake Jack is…

Meanwhile still, Sawyer, Claire, Aaron, and Miles continue to make their trek back to the beach.
They come upon the site of the ambush and Miles picks up the ghostly whispers of dead Rousseau and Karl, and finds their shallowly buried bodies.
When Miles begins to show an interest in Claire, Sawyer gets protective and warns the angry ghost whisperer to stay away from Claire.
They then run into Frank, who tells them to hide, since Keamy’s right behind him. Keamy’s leading the survivors of Smokey’s attack back to the helicopter. Keamy hears Aaron’s soft cry, and is just barely distracted by Frank, who insists they have to leave before dark. And leave they do.
Later on, in the middle of the night, Claire wakes up to find Aaron missing from her side.
She then sees Christian holding the baby.


The following morning, Sawyer awakens to find Claire missing. Miles says she got up in the middle of the night and walked out into the jungle, with someone she called “Dad.”
Sawyer hears Aaron’s cries, and finds the baby.
But.
There’s.
No.
Sign.
Of.
Claire.

WTF?! She just disappeared into the jungle?!

Okay, so we have the flashforward which puts into motion the events that will lead to the suicidal, pill-popping Jack we saw in Season 3’s finale. That’s a Jack who came this close to having a happily-ever-after with Kate, and is presumably receiving visits from his deceased father.
Poor Dr. Obsesso…
But, while that section had some interesting bits in it, this installment’s real kick in the ‘nads is that cliffhanger, as Claire’s just suddenly not there anymore, having apparently gone off with her dead da.
And what’s with Miles’ interest in Claire? Is there something there that he sees, which Sawyer can’t? (The interest Miles was showing for Claire seemed to be more than a mere attraction sort of thing. Could he have been sensing Christian’s presence around Claire, or is there something else? Something about Aaron, or about Claire herself?)

Other bits that were noteworthy include Rose’s observation that people get well on the Island, and not sick. So why did Jack develop appendicitis?
Is the Island lashing out at Dr. Obsesso for some reason? For using the NaomiPhone to call the terrible Boat People to the Island?
And then there’s the bit with Ju-Ju telling Kate about the Tempest liplock, while knowing full well that Jack wasn’t unconscious, that he would hear everything she said. I felt so bad for Ju-Ju just then, as not only was she making a verbal acknowledgment of her place in the Island quadrangle, but she was also giving Jack his out, if he so wanted it…
Poor Ju-Ju…

Oh, and I loved Rose giving the Brit B!tch attitude. You go, girl! Put that C.S. Lewis harpy in her place!

COUNTDOWN: 38.

(Images courtesy of ABC, impawards.com, and ew.com.)

LOST
Season 4 Episode 9
“The Shape of Things To Come”
Written by Brian K. Vaughan & Drew Goddard
Directed by Jack Bender
(WARNING: SPOILERS)

“I know who you are... what you are. I know that everything you have you took from me.”
-- Charles Widmore to Ben

Okay, this was a pretty moving installment, the first post-strike episode following the 6-week break, so let’s kick off from the Island, shall we?

The doctor from the freighter washes ashore, dead, so a plan is cooked up to fix the NaomiPhone just enough so that they can communicate through Morse code; Daniel plays electronics dude, in the absence of Sayid.
But when Daniel does send the query out regarding the doctor, he says the reply is that the helicopter will be by in the morning.
Turns out though that Bernard knows Morse, and says the reply was actually, What are you talking about? The doctor’s fine. (Hmmmm.)
So this blatant lie pisses Jack off, and he asks Daniel straight out, Were you ever supposed to take us off this Island?
And Daniel says, No. (And I’m going, F*cker! You knew about the “find Ben then kill everyone else” plan? I gave you the benefit of the doubt, Danny-boy! F*cker!)
At that point, it just killed me to see Jack as the realization sinks in that using the NaomiPhone was a monumental mistake, just as Locke had warned…
Poor Jack…

Meanwhile, the people who shot both Rousseau and Karl take Alex to the fence and have her disarm it. (So they really are Widmore’s people, and it wasn’t some evil Ben scheme to get rid of the other two people in Alex’s life… Again, sorry, dude.)
But disarming the fence triggers an alarm, which makes a phone in Ben’s house ring, the call interrupting the game of Risk currently underway (where “Australia’s the key to the whole game”; hrrrmmm). When Locke asks Ben about the recorded message (Code 14-J?), Ben says they need to hunker down at his place.
But Claire is over at her house, so Sawyer goes over there. (Locke is about go with Sawyer, when Ben says, You stay by me, because then you’ll be safe. They won’t harm me, and I need you safe because we have to get to Jacob’s cabin together. Locke later on says, But I can’t even find the cabin. Ben replies, But Hugo can.)
As Sawyer makes his way to Claire’s place, three 815 sock puppets are shot. Some bastard then blasts Claire’s house, and I’m going, Bastard! Claire can’t die! Not like that!
Sawyer searches the flaming wreckage, and finds Claire, alive. (Whew. That future Desmond flash—Claire and Aaron getting on a helicopter—has to happen…)
Sawyer carries her to Ben’s house, and Hurley has to break a window for Sawyer and Claire to get inside. (Ben’s already barricaded the door and refuses to open it.)

Within, a debate immediately explodes between Sawyer and Locke, about just tossing Ben over to the invaders, a discussion that’s interrupted by the doorbell.
It’s Miles at the door, with a walkie for Ben. They want to talk, Miles says. They have your daughter.
Ben then talks with one of the goons that we saw on the freighter, Martin Keamy (Kevin Durand, who played half-man, half-dog Joshua on Dark Angel, and Ashton Kutcher’s cellmate Carlos in The Butterfly Effect; he’ll also be seen as Gabriel in Scott Charles Stewart’s upcoming angel smackdown Legion, as well as the Blob in the Wolverine spin-off film), who takes Alex out and threatens to shoot her if Ben doesn’t surrender. Ben makes a counter-proposal, but Keamy says, You’ve got 10 seconds, or I shoot your daughter.
Ben says, She’s not my daughter. I stole her from an insane woman when she was a baby. She’s a pawn, nothing more. She means nothing to me.
BANG.
Alex dies, and seriously, for the first time, I felt sorry for Ben. There’s a look of complete devastation as he stares out the window at his dead adoptive daughter, and he says, He changed the rules. (And I go, What? Is this really just a massive chess game to Ben and Widmore?)

Once Ben gets himself together, he enters some secret chamber (locking everyone else out), and when he emerges, he says, When I give the signal, we’re all going to run to the treeline. (Oh, by the way, Claire’s apparently fine.)
Hurley says, What? Towards the guys with guns?
Ben says, Oh, no. We want to stay as far away from them as possible.
Just then, the house starts to shake, like there’s an earthquake, and when they look out the windows, we see Smokey, making its locomotive noises, as it starts attacking the invaders!
Everyone then runs for the treeline, except for Ben, who says he has to say goodbye to his daughter. (And his moment at dead Alex’s side is such a sad, sad moment. I hate Vaughan and Goddard for making me feel for the monster that is Ben…)

When Ben catches up with Locke and company, Locke says he’s sorry that Alex died. He also calls Ben out on the lie (that he didn’t know what Smokey was).
Ben says, You can ask Jacob what it is when we get to the cabin. (Sigh.)
Sawyer says, Screw that. I’m going to the beach and I’m taking Claire and Hurley with me. Locke pulls out a gun and says, Hugo stays with us.
Sawyer says, No way, and pulls out his gun.
Hurley says, Put down your guns. It’s okay. I’ll go with Locke.
Sawyer doesn’t like that one bit, and warns Locke, You harm so much as one hair on his curly head, I’ll kill you. (Another fantastic moment in this episode, as Sawyer clearly displays his protectiveness over Hurley; earlier on, of course, it was with Claire.)
So Sawyer, Claire, Aaron, and Miles head off to the beach, while Locke, Ben, and Hurley are off to find Jacob’s cabin.

Onward ho, flashforward (though we don’t know that right off.)
Ben finds himself in the Sahara Desert, his arm wounded, in a fleece-lined Dharma jacket (that doesn’t look at all like it was made for desert wear). He then goes into deadly bad-a$$ mode as he kills two armed Bedouins and takes a horse to presumably get to civilization.
We next see him at a hotel, where he checks in under the preferred guest name, “Dean Moriarty.”
He then makes it a point to inquire about the date, and that’s when we find out it’s October 24, 2005, and we’re in a flashforward. (Note that Ben makes it a point to confirm the year, as if, well, he wanted to make sure he was in 2005, and why do you think he’d want to do that? Hrrrm…)
He also sees on the TV, a newsbit about Sayid attending the funeral of his wife! (And the reason why Sayid ended up working for Ben begins to crystallize…)

As it turns out, Sayid found Nadia, only to have her die on him, and according to Ben, the man who killed Nadia was working for Charles Widmore. (He also claims that he used Des’ boat to get off the Island, but that smells fishy…)
Later on, it looks like Ben is tailing the purported Widmore assassin, and it looks like the assassin has just caught Ben, but of course, it’s all a set-up, and Sayid shoots his a$$ dead, till the gun is empty.
Ben then walks away, but Sayid stops him. Ben says, It’s over, Sayid. Walk away and mourn your loss. This isn’t your war.
Sayid says, I spent 8 years looking for the woman I loved and I found her, and these people took her away from me. This is my war too…
(And I’m going, Dammit! Sayid asked for it. Then I think, Oh, no, don’t let this be some despicable manipulation on Ben’s part. Not when I actually felt sorry for him for the first time, ever.)
Ben says, Don’t let your despair turn into anger because it’ll never leave you then. I speak from experience.
(And I’m thinking, Oh please, please mean what you’re saying…)
But Sayid wants to join the war, and asks, Who’s next?
Ben then says, I’ll be in touch, and walks away, and I’m going, Don’t smile. Don’t smile. Don’t—F*cker!
The smug, evil bastard smiled. He played Sayid (and me) like a second-hand fiddle. (And I hate Vaughan and Goddard even more for pulling off these astonishing reversals.)

We then close with a coda in London, as Ben makes his way to Widmore’s digs.
It’s a great face-to-face between these adversaries during which we are made to understand that Widmore believes the Island is his, and that Ben merely usurped it from him.
Widmore asks, Are you here to kill me, Benjamin?
And Ben says, We both know I can’t do that.
Ben then says, But you killed my daughter.
Widmore says, Don’t pretend to be the victim here. You killed your daughter. (And I can only assume he meant, You killed her by not just surrendering when you could have.)
Widmore then asks, So if you’re not here to kill me, what are you here for?
Ben says, I’m here to tell you I’m going to kill your daughter (a very audible gasp from yours truly). “Penny,” is it? I’m going to kill her and then you’ll understand what I feel like and regret changing the rules.
And Ben walks away.

F*cker.

Okay, explosive episode which pretty much turns on the astonishing reversals Vaughan and Goddard pull off, by toying with the audience’s emotions toward Ben.
And of course, now that it’s made clear that Ben is targeting Penny, it’s even more evil, the position the writers have put us in.
On the one hand, we can completely see Ben’s side of it, in that he truly did care for Alex, and since Widmore took his daughter away, it would only be fair that he deprive Widmore of his daughter.
But that daughter is Penny, dammit!
Penny!!!

Then there’s an ill-attired Ben popping up in the Sahara, asking what year it is.
So is there actual physical time-traveling going on in the Lost-verse, or did Ben teleport from someplace else, and just wanted to ensure he hadn’t also inadvertently moved through time?
And poor Sayid, whose happy ending with Nadia was so cruelly taken away off-screen, and who was manipulated so coldly into becoming Ben’s Crying Freeman…

And there better not be any long-term damage from that house explosion Claire found herself in…
I mean, is it just me, or was her survival a little… miraculous? That house was decimated…

COUNTDOWN: 39.

(Images courtesy of ABC, variety.com, and ew.com [images 3 & 4].)