FEAST II:
SLOPPY SECONDS
(Review)

So if you’ve read my review of John Gulager’s Feast (in the Archive), you’ll know that I absolutely loved it, and was really looking forward to the DVD sequel, Sloppy Seconds.
And now that I’ve seen it… well… urm…


This one is initially propelled by the vendetta Biker Queen (Diane Ayala Goldner, a.k.a. Gulager’s missus) goes on upon finding the remains of her twin sister Harley Mama at the Bear Tavern.
She finds out from Bartender (Clu Gulager, a.k.a. Gulager Senior) that the guilty party responsible for Harley Mama’s unsightly condition is one Bozo, who lives in a nearby small town.
And when Biker Queen and her gals get to Smalltown (yes, it actually is called “Smalltown”), itching to blow Bozo’s a$$ wide open, they soon hook up with a group of its survivors, then must do all they can to stay alive, while the savage, horny beasties roam the streets.
And, oh yeah, Honey Pie (Jenny Wade) also happens to be in Smalltown as well…


If you’ve seen Feast, you’ll know that when I say Sloppy Seconds is even more improper and rude, you may doubt my word.
Well, it is. This one’s got dogs, and cats, and babies, and grandmas, and just when you think, Oh no, they wouldn’t… they do.
And it isn’t that heightened level of un-PC humour that rankles; I mean, I loved the original, so I knew what to expect.
No, it’s more the fact that Sloppy Seconds just isn’t as funny, nor as thrilling, as Feast was.


We get a bunch of new characters, among them, used car salesman Slasher (Carl Anthony Payne), his The Secret-fixated, cheating wife Secrets (Hanna Putnam), and midget… errr, little people wrestling brothers Thunder (Martin Klebba, whom you may remember from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and Hancock) and Lightning (real-life luchador Juan Longoria Garcia).
Sure, they’re all quirky, but somehow, we don’t get the spark that was so evident in Feast; though we do get a number of moments in Sloppy Seconds, none of these fresh characters pop they way those in Feast did.
And yes, they brought back Honey Pie, but it just seemed to be for the sole reason of putting her through a hellish wringer for her desertion in the original.


There are certain elements in Sloppy Seconds that just seem hobbled and don’t quite work the way they should.
There’s a dissection that starts out well enough, but then devolves into a protracted scatological SNL skit on crack. There’re the rooftop sequences that are shot against green screen, making them terribly distracting. There’s even some gratuitous topless/stripping action that just seems tired and self-conscious.
Even the introductory bits for each character aren’t as wildly hilarious as Feast’s.


I’m honestly not sure what went wrong here.
Did the work scriptwriters Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan do on the Saw franchise affect their work here? Did they spread themselves out too thinly?
Is the cast here just not as solid as Feast’s?
Did all concerned go just a tad overboard with pushing the PC envelope?
Maybe it was a little bit of all of the above.


All I know is that Sloppy Seconds wasn’t as wildly satisfying a ride as Feast was, which makes me a bit dubious now about the third chapter, The Happy Finish.
Presumably that one will pick up right at the cliffhanger where this one leaves off, but will it be more of the same?
Hopefully, it’ll get back the sense of humour and crackerjack pacing of the original. After all, it wasn’t the rudeness and the impropriety of Feast that made it such a winner, but rather, the cheeky inventiveness of it.
Just like the gorno schtick of the Saw franchise, there’s only so much horny monster grand guignol I can take before things get stale and boring.
Here’s hoping The Happy Finish slips back into the fluid-lubricated groove Feast had so much fun in, and turns out to be exactly that.


Parting shot: In keeping with the nepotism of the original, director Gulager’s brother Tom is here as Greg Swank, and the aforementioned Baby is played by yet another Gulager, Clu Mosha (John’s nephew).

Parting shot 2: Just so you know, one of the best (and most gonzo) bits of Sloppy Seconds sees the welcome return of Judah Friedlander as Beer Guy…

(Feast II: Sloppy Seconds DVD cover art and images courtesy of bloody-disgusting.com, fangoria.com, and shocktillyoudrop.com.)

LOST BOYS:
THE TRIBE
(Review)

As far as popcorn vampire flicks go, The Lost Boys is right up there with both Fright Nights as examples of enjoyable movies containing some neat undead hijinx coupled with great make-up and special effects.
Now, 21 years after Kiefer Sutherland first slept all day and partied all night, we’re given the straight-to-DVD sequel, Lost Boys: The Tribe, featuring, wait for it… vampire surfers! (Which would make them vampires who like to surf. Or maybe they’re surfer vampires, which would make them surfers who suck…)


We can assume by their last name that Chris and Nicole Emerson (Tad Hilgenbrinck and The O.C.’s Autumn Reeser) are the children of The Lost Boys’ Michael Emerson and Star. We’re told that their parents supposedly died in a car accident a couple of years back (hmmmm…), and they’ve just now moved to Luna Bay, into a sad little fix-‘er-upper, courtesy of their Aunt Jillian-with-a-J (Gabrielle Rose).
Not surprisingly—though on the surface, rather incredulously—there are vampires in Luna Bay, and while Chris is targeted as a potential recruit to the nocturnal unlife, Nicole is instantly—and conveniently—attracted to lead vampire Shane Powers (Angus Sutherland, half-brother of Kiefer).
And, wouldn’t you know it, look who also happens to live in Luna Bay, but Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman, reprising his Lost Boys role).
What follows then is essentially a retread of the original, in a film that we really didn’t need in the first place.


In the deluge of Hollywood productions that insist on looking back instead of striking out for new narrative horizons, The Tribe is definitely on the lower end of the scale, as it doesn’t even seem to attempt anything different from the original.
And while I admit that there seems to be a suggestion that there are deeper motivations and machinations going on beneath what we see on the TV screen (arguably making this more of a sequel than it may first appear to be), they’re contained in a package that we’ve already seen before.
That earlier incarnation had the advantage of being a fresh cinematic take on the vampire, updating him for the modern audience, turning in the velvet and opera cape for leather and an 80’s punk attitude.
The thing is, we’ve seen this sort of vampire numerous times since, so what was new and engaging for the big screen back then, is just tired and unremarkable today.


The Tribe is also hobbled by some problematic performances.
While Reeser passes muster (though perhaps only barely), Hilgenbrinck—who will be seen in John Simpson’s Amusement and Dave Parker’s The Hills Run Red—isn’t a particularly engaging lead, not really conveying much in the way of genuine emotion; he’s certainly no Jason Patric.
The younger Sutherland meanwhile, has the whole surfer bra thing so down pat, he becomes a distracting presence, and is a character that’s difficult to take seriously.
And in the portion of the film’s running time where he does appear, Feldman tries gamely to inject some of the old Lost Boys magic into this, but it’s a losing battle.
We don’t even have the luxury of having the likes of Dianne Wiest, Edward Herrmann, or Barnard Hughes, as the original did; in appealing to a young audience, The Tribe seems to have concentrated more on fresh-faced, less experienced performers.


There are a couple of moments, granted: the Tom Savini bit, the “Cry Little Sister” cover, but they’re hardly enough to carry the film, or make up for the limp and unimpressive climactic confrontations.
All director P.J. Pesce has done here is to serve up a movie that blatantly relies on brand name recognizability without even offering a viewing experience worthy of its predecessor.
If Pesce and company had only tried to further the original film’s narrative in a follow-up that was even remotely original, this might have been something worthwhile. As it is, The Tribe tries to be the enjoyable popcorn horror film The Lost Boys was, but all it succeeds at is being an unoriginal and ultimately, disposable diversion.

(Lost Boys: The Tribe DVD cover art and images courtesy of bloody-disgusting.com.)

GOTHAM KNIGHT
(Review)

So, despite my initial less-than-ecstatic reaction to Gotham Knight, further exacerbated by my full-on amazement with The Dark Knight (see review in Archive), I decided to give the anime anthology film tie-in a second look, and here’s what I discovered.
It really doesn’t get any better the second time around.


Gotham Knight is a straight-to-DVD tie-in to The Dark Knight, which takes a page from The Animatrix and assembles six animated vignettes that have some connective tissue between each other, as well as with The Dark Knight.
Naturally, Batman appears, but we also get glimpses of supporting characters like Alfred, Lt. Gordon, and Lucius Fox, as well as appearances from MCU copper Anna Ramirez and gangster Salvatore Maroni (played by Monique Curnen and Eric Roberts in The Dark Knight).
Given the ostensible continuity amongst the vignettes (running approximately 12 minutes each), all six stories are by Christopher Nolan collaborator Jordan Goldberg, their screenplays written by a handful of comic book scribes and Hollywood screenwriters. (Goldberg wrote the screenplay for one vignette, “Field Test.”)


Sadly, it’s perhaps because all half dozen stories were conceptualized by one individual, that Gotham Knight doesn’t have the same level of blazing imagination so evident in The Animatrix.
While that DVD tie-in put the Matrix sequels to shame with its unbridled and multi-faceted exploration of the Wachowskis’ construct, Gotham Knight comes nowhere near the complex, brooding majesty of The Dark Knight.
It’s also a curious thing that Gotham Knight doesn’t sport the voice talents of The Dark Knight cast. Instead, we have the long-time voice of the animated Batman, Kevin Conroy, and NCIS’ David McCallum as Alfred, among others.
And though Conroy’s vocal interpretation of the Batman arguably displays a much more pleasing aesthetic than Christian Bale’s guttural growl, I’d have still preferred to hear the film’s cast in this particular case.
It is a tie-in, isn’t it?

Thankfully, I can at least say I was impressed by the fifth and sixth vignettes, Toshiyuki Kubooka’s “Working Through Pain” (which gives us a poignant glimpse of the pain that is at the core of Bruce Wayne) and Madhouse’s “Deadshot” (which pits the Bat against crack assassin, Floyd Lawton, a.k.a. Deadshot).
Aside from this pair of exceptional entries though, the rest of Gotham Knight is a disappointing mish-mash. Admittedly, there is some good animation in there, and the varied character interpretations are interesting, but the majority of Gotham Knight just doesn’t fully engage.
Particularly aggravating is Yasuhiro Aoki’s “In Darkness Dwells,” which is, visually, one of the strongest pieces, though it’s hampered by a negligible story involving the Scarecrow and Killer Croc.

Now, as much as I found 66% of Gotham Knight a frustrating disappointment, you could opt to pick up the 2-disc edition, which includes, amidst a load of extras, four episodes from Batman: The Animated Series.
With a longer total running time than Gotham Knight, these episodes include the excellent “Legends of the Dark Knight,” which uses a similar structure to Gotham Knight’s “Have I Got a Story for You,” to much better and more entertaining effect.
(Wonder Woman fans will also want to check out the 10-minute plus peek at the upcoming animated Wonder Woman, where Keri Russell, Virginia Madsen, and Rosario Dawson all get to do the Amazon thing, with Nathan Fillion and Alfred Molina along for the ride.)


Parting shot: The Gotham Knight vignettes are as follows:

“Have I Got a Story for You”: directed by Shojiro Nishimi, story by Jordan Goldberg, screenplay by Josh Olson

“Crossfire”: directed by Futoshi Higashide, story by Jordan Goldberg, screenplay by Greg Rucka

“Field Test”: directed by Hiroshi Morioka Tsubasa, story and screenplay by Jordan Goldberg

“In Darkness Dwells”: directed by Yasuhiro Aoki, story by Jordan Goldberg, screenplay by David Goyer

“Working Through Pain”: directed by Toshiyuki Kubooka, story by Jordan Goldberg, screenplay by Brian Azzarello

“Deadshot”: animation produced by Madhouse, story by Jordan Goldberg, screenplay by Alan Burnett

(Gotham Knight 2-disc edition DVD cover art courtesy of aintitcool.com; images courtesy of aintitcool.com, twitchfilm.net, and batmangothamknight.com.)

AFTERTHOUGHTS (76)
BARKER’S TRAIN NEEDS A PUSH

After getting its release date repeatedly pushed further and further down the line, Ryuhei Kitamura’s adaptation of Clive Barker’s The Midnight Meat Train will reportedly his theatres on August 1st, in a very limited release of approximately 100 screens, apparently only to fulfill contractual obligations, before being shuffled off to DVD.
It’s a sad move, given the recent resurgence of R-rated horror at the box office. The success of both M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening and Bryan Bertino’s The Strangers has, at least for the moment, put the kibosh on the industry thinking that only PG-13 horror could turn a profit.
The Midnight Meat Train could very well be a hit as well, if it actually reaches a wide enough audience.
To that end, Barker himself has released this statement:

“As you may or may not have heard, due to certain politics, Midnight Meat Train is in danger of Lionsgate not giving it a wide release. I’m asking you to please help spread the word in order for all to enjoy this film. I want to passionately encourage everybody who cares about my work to use this chance to change the minds of the folks at Lionsgate.
“Anything any of you can do—be it e-mails, web postings, word of mouth and the like—to help encourage this movement would be deeply appreciated. The film is worth the effort in my mind, and I do not want to see my work fall by the wayside.”

The “certain politics” Barker makes mention of apparently refers to the recent studio regime change at Lionsgate. The changing of the guard at studios always causes upheaval, and sadly, some films get caught in the backwash.
It seems The Midnight Meat Train could end up as one of those films.

So, you heard the man.
Head on over to Revelations, and help get the Train into theatres where it belongs.

Parting shot: The Midnight Meat Train, based on the Books of Blood short story, stars Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb, Roger Bart, Brooke Shields, and the one and only Vinnie Jones. And it’s shot by the excellent Jonathan Sela (DP on Martin Weisz‘s Rohtenburg and John Moore‘s redux of The Omen), so it should also look spectacular.
The film enjoys its World Premiere at this year’s FanTasia Film Festival in Canada; see Afterthoughts (75) in the Archive.

(The Midnight Meat Train OS courtesy of twitchfilm.net; images courtesy of shocktillyoudrop.com.)

AFTERTHOUGHTS (62)
CLOVERFIELD DVD AND THEN SOME...


With Matt Reeves’ Cloverfield laying siege to store shelves on April 22, Paramount is giving you your choice of four U.S. retail exclusives…


Suncoast and FYE offer the DVD in limited steel book collectible packaging, while Best Buy offers a bonus disc (TJ Miller’s Video Diary), for those of you who can’t get enough of Hud.


Meanwhile, Target’s Deluxe Edition will include a music CD (Rob’s Goin’ To Japan Party Mix), the track list of which includes:

OK GO - "Here It Goes Again"
Goldfrapp - "Ooh La La"
Coconut Records - "West Coast"
Scissors for Lefty - "Got Your Moments"
The Vapors - "Turning Japanese"
Parliament - "Give Up the Funk"
Of Montreal - "Wraith Pinned to the Mist"
The Blood Arm - "Do I Have Your Attention?"
Bright Eyes - "Four Winds"

And finally, Kmart and Sears offer a free Cloverfield ringtone with the DVD.
So take your pick and bring Cloverfield’s beastie home. You know you want to…

Parting shot: A review of Cloverfield can be found in the Archive.

(Cloverfield DVD cover art courtesy of amazon.com; steel book packaging image and TJ Miller’s Video Diary cover art courtesy of cinemablend.com; Rob’s Goin’ To Japan Party Mix cover art courtesy of bloody-disgusting.com.)

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA:
RAZOR
(Review)

I’m honestly not sure if I’ve said this ‘round these parts before, but I honestly find it a strange and wonderful thing that the one television show I’m into at the moment that has the most relevance to the post-9/11 world I actually live in is the show that’s not even set on this planet, the show that takes place in the deeps of outer space, which boasts spaceships and killer robots.
I am, of course, talking about Ronald D. Moore’s redux of Battlestar Galactica, and with the fourth and final season on its way, Moore and company decided to produce the feature-length Razor, which was broadcast on the SciFi Channel, then subsequently released on DVD.

Kicking off with a montage of scenes from past BSG episodes which take us from the Galactica’s initial discovery of the ill-fated Battlestar Pegasus, on through the deaths of three of its skippers (Cain, Fisk, and Garner), till it gets Lee Adama at its helm, Razor quickly settles down to its narrative’s “present,” which sees Lee re-organizing the Pegasus under his command.
We then cut back and forth between that present, and Razor’s other main timeframe—ten months earlier, where we witness what Admiral Cain (a thoroughly magnetic Michelle Forbes) had only previously recounted in the BSG episode, “Pegasus”: how the Pegasus survived the initial Cylon surprise attack, and the events on-board in the aftermath of the attack. (There are also brief jaunts to two other timeframes—the first 41 years earlier, where we see the tail end of the Razor webisodes, as a young William Adama stumbles on a Cylon secret; the second depicting an event also mentioned in “Pegasus”—but for the most part, we shuttle back and forth across that 10-month divide.)
Serving as the narrative bridge between those timeframes is Kendra Shaw (Stephanie Chaves-Jacobsen, from TV’s Home and Away), who comes on board the Pegasus on the day of the attack, and through the catastrophic trial-by-fire, becomes a kind of protégé to Cain. Ten months later, she is chosen by Lee to be his X.O.
Given her function as the bridge, Shaw becomes Razor’s main focus, and the means by which the narrative explores its main themes: the difficult choices that are made in times of war, and whether the cold, inhuman mask worn by the military during wartime is indeed a necessary evil.

Despite the narrative focus on Shaw though, we do get to have the father and son Adamas, as well as some Starbuck, some Roslin, and very briefly, some Cylon Sharon.
Razor also gives us back some of Pegasus’ dearly departed, notably, Cylon Gina. One of Razor’s most provocative elements, in fact, revolves around the reason for Cain’s cold and brutal treatment of Gina (as seen in “Pegasus”).
We also get to see some old school toaster Cylons (yahoo!), and that tantalizing climactic reveal regarding Starbuck and her so-called “destiny.” (Of course, admittedly, the source is suspect; this wouldn’t be the first time a Cylon distorted the truth—or outright lied—to confuse and mislead. Still, the claim must give one pause, considering Season 3’s finale shows us Starbuck telling Lee she knows where Earth is, and she can lead the fleet there…)

Now if all this is a bit heady for the uninitiated, yes, Razor may very well be a load of gobbledygook for anyone who’s never seen a BSG episode before. But take my word for it, the show is most definitely about something. This is science fiction with substance, timely and mature, which is a whole lot more than can be said for your average Hollywood SF.
So if you haven’t yet been immersed in the world of BSG, the three previous seasons are all available on DVD, so get on out there, check them out, then catch Razor, so all the above will make sense.
And if you’re already strapped in for the BSG ride, then you know exactly what I mean, and you’ve probably already seen Razor.
And like me, you’re also probably chomping at the bit to see Season 4.
Well, not too long left to go.
Now if only the Lords of Kobol would see fit to have the WGA strike reach a quick and fair resolution, so we can all see those final 20 episodes sooner rather than later.
So say we all.

(Battlestar Galactica: Razor DVD cover art courtesy of amazon.com; image courtesy of ew.com.)

FUTURAMA:
BENDER’S BIG SCORE
(Review)

Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti! They’re back, baby!
And I honestly hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Fry and Bender and Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth and the rest of the crew till a few minutes into the opening sequence of the direct-to-DVD movie, Bender’s Big Score.
It’s only here, apparently, when the crew finds out that they were cancelled two years ago! And it’s only now that Farnsworth actually remembers to inform them that they’re fired.
It seems that the “brainless drones” and “asinine morons” at the Box Network (or is that Fox Network?) saw fit to pull the plug on Planet Express. But fret not, for Farnsworth gets a call and is informed that they’ve all been renewed again, and all those drones and morons have been “ground up into a fine pink powder,” which has a million and one uses, and becomes a running joke through the length of the hilarious Big Score.
It was also only here, after Farnsworth gives us all the good news, when I realized I’d missed that signature theme too.
Oh, the little things…

Bender’s Big Score is a sweet ride that should be a blast for all you Futurama junkies out there. It’s got some familiar faces, the debut of the alluded-to-but-never-before-seen Chanukah zombie (voiced by Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill), some neat and catchy tunes, a rather familiar-looking rabbit, and the reason why Al Gore lost the presidency in 2000.
It’s got time paradoxes and spam and inevitable doom and true love and New Scamadonia and remote-controlled solid-gold Death Stars and Kitten-class attack fighters.
Oh, and more Benders than you can shake a rusty wrench at. Plus, “the ancient and terrible secret of Fry’s buttocks”! What more could you want?!

I think we all know it’s a big universe out there. Massive. But it feels that much bigger without Zoidberg, doesn’t it?
So go on. Get ‘cher new Futurama fix, out on DVD. Now.

And if you’ve never seen Futurama before, well, all 72 episodes are out on DVD, meatbag, so go make those Fox… errr, I mean Box Network morons happy and flash those credit card digits. So says Hypnotoad.
And don’t worry. This ain’t no scam. (You can leave your email address at the door.)

Parting shot: There’re three more straight-to-DVD Futurama features scheduled for 2008, The Beast with a Billion Backs, Bender’s Game, and Into the Wild Green Yonder.
All four features will then reportedly be edited and slightly reconfigured to serve as a score of half-hour long episodes which will then air on Comedy Central; some reports say 13 episodes, some, 16.
(Okay. Whatever. Just so’s I got me my Bender…)

(Futurama: Bender’s Big Score DVD cover art courtesy of amazon.com; images courtesy of ilovebender.com.)