¡Qué horror! 2014

The Wrap-Up

So there we are.

Another October and another ¡Qué horror! rundown.
And the twelve months leading up to ¡Qué horror! 2015 have already begun…

But before we bring this year’s festivities to a close, I have to mention this:

TWIN PEAKS: THE MISSING PIECES

[Contained in TWIN PEAKS: THE ENTIRE MYSTERY]

(July 2014)

Since this isn’t a film or a television show episode (it’s a series of deleted and alternate scenes from Fire Walk With Me), this really couldn’t rightfully qualify as a Candidate.

Nevertheless, this deserves a ¡Qué horror! mention for a couple of scenes that, even if taken just as they are, and out of any sort of context, still pack a potent wallop on the unwary, regardless of whether you’ve seen Twin Peaks or not.

These brief snippets are more unnerving and unsettling than many of Hollywood’s recent feature length “horror” offerings.

A master of combining sight and sound and producing compact little audio-visual nightmares, David Lynch has secreted a number of bizarre little gems in “Missing Pieces,” including more of David Bowie’s Agent Phillip Jeffries.

If you’re a TP fan, then this is, as they say, a “must-see,” if only so you can be your own final arbiter on whether the inclusion of these scenes would have made any significant difference to Fire Walk With Me.

And if you’ve never seen TP or its feature film prequel, then get a taste of Lynch’s television masterpiece here.

(Nearly a quarter of a century after it premiered, it’s still at the top of my Best TV Shows Ever list. 24 years and change and no other show has managed to steal that crown…)

Plus, given the recent simultaneous tweets from David Lynch and Mark Frost (at 11:30 AM apparently, the same time Special Agent Dale Cooper entered the lovely town of Twin Peaks way back in the Pilot), this could serve as a brief taste of all the strange and wonderful things that may yet come…

Yes, please, could I have some more?

“I’ve always said, ‘I love a continuing story.’

“To love a world and be able to go deeper and deeper into that world.

“So, there’s always a possibility, and you just have to wait and see.”

--David Lynch, when asked about a possible continuation of Twin Peaks, September 2014

(Twin Peaks: The Entire Mystery Blu-ray cover art courtesy of bluray.com.)

A few introductory words…

This is the inaugural voyage of reVIEW, where I’ll be running reviews of past films for any number of reasons.
For example, for this particular installment, I’m resurrecting an old review of Tim Story’s Fantastic Four, as its sequel, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, opens tomorrow in the local multiplexes.
Will it be better than its predecessor? I certainly hope so…

reVIEW (1)
FANTASTIC FOUR

Since 1998’s Blade, Marvel has glutted the multiplexes with film adaptations of their comic book superheroes: inclusive of Blade, an even dozen in 7 years. Sadly though, I've only fully enjoyed three of these: Guillermo Del Toro’s Blade II, Bryan Singer’s X2, and Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man. (I actually have a lot of issues with X-Men and Spider-Man 2, so they're not on that particular shortlist.)

The rest, well…

So where does that leave Marvel’s latest, Tim Story’s Fantastic Four? Biting a whole hell of a lot of cosmic dust.

Brilliant and bankrupt scientist Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd, King Arthur’s Lancelot) approaches long-time rival Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon, from TV’s Profiler, Charmed, and Nip/Tuck) to fund a space mission to research the effects of a cosmic storm on the genetic structure of organisms. Along for the ride are Richards’ best friend Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis, TV’s The Shield), his ex-girlfriend, Sue Storm (Jessica Alba), and Sue’s brother, Johnny (Cellular’s Chris Evans).
In grand comic book tradition, the irradiation they suffer in a freak accident causes genetic mutations (CGI, ahoy!) which, though apparently giving Doom precisely what he wants, pisses him off so much, he goes after the media-dubbed Fantastic Four, intent on putting their budding superhero careers to a quick and sudden stop.
Now, fair warning, I’m not exaggerating when I say that that’s the whole movie. No frills, no nothing. Just that.

On the heels of Marvel’s recent stinkers, Blade: Trinity and Elektra, I was truly hoping that Fantastic Four would at least have some of the kinetic energy all comic book films should have as a matter of course.
Instead, it’s a pretty standard and unimpressive tale we’re treated to. Which is doubly frustrating for me, as Four’s script was co-written by Mark Frost, who co-created (with David Lynch) my all-time favorite television series, Twin Peaks, and wrote the excellent period thriller The List of 7. I’m not exactly sure what Frost contributed to the script, but I’m hard-pressed to find anything of significant redeeming value.
The plot, as I outlined above, is a bare-bones comic adventure of the old school, with characters that never manage to rise above the two dimensions of their four-color pulp origins.

In the nearly two hours of running time, we are told who these characters are, without the plot actually presenting any opportunity for us to see what they’re really about.
We’re constantly told how smart Reed is, but never actually see Gruffudd come across as frighteningly intellectual; he seems more uptight and distracted. Ben’s loyalty to Reed seems hardly sketched in. Alba (making a bid to join the ranks of Genre Pin-Up Girls) meanwhile, also doesn’t register as the genetics expert she’s supposed to be. Assertive woman, sometimes. Brainy, no.
The only one who manages to come across is Evans, who even cuts the figure of a superhero in the body-hugging costumes designed by Jose Fernandez and Wendy Partridge. (Partridge also designed costumes for Del Toro films Blade II and Hellboy.) Of course, Johnny Storm is the most shallow of the quartet, so his let’s-have-fun-with-this philosophy gets really old, really quick.
And McMahon’s Doom, though certainly not as dismal a villain as Dominic Purcell’s Drake in Blade: Trinity, is still a painfully flat and uninteresting character.
Thus, saddled with these cardboard cut-outs moving through the paces of a threadbare plot, nothing in this film seems of any particular consequence, and the climactic battle unfolds as obligatory pantomime, the closing celebration like a cartoon ending with all the heroes smiling and laughing, and the sinister coda a painful telegraph of “Sequel!”

Once more, Marvel, in its rush to get its properties on the silver screen, has apparently handed material over to writers and directors who don’t seem to know what to do with it.
There is nothing particularly fresh in Fantastic Four to make the film worth the audience’s while. This is stale and leaden, yet another sign of Marvel’s acceptance of the mediocre for the end result of character recognizability (which translates into revenue from the myriad media tie-ins, including of course, the comics from which the characters stem).
In the end though, it is Marvel’s seeming lack of respect for the film medium which leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Comic book characters may be one of Hollywood’s hot properties du jour, but all bubbles burst, and, with what Marvel’s doing these days, they’re shortening the bubble’s half-life in fantastic leaps and amazing bounds.

(This review was originally published—yes, as in printed on paper made from dead trees—under the title, “Can’t Seem To Get Past Four.”)

(Fantastic Four OS courtesy of impawards.com)