¡QUÉ HORROR! 2020

Candidate #1

READY OR NOT

(July 2019)

“It's true what they say,  the rich really are different.”

Grace (Samara Weaving) is about to marry Alex (Mark O’Brien), thus becoming a part of the (Ahem!) Le Domas Family Games dynasty-slash-empire (as Alex puts it though, it’s “‘Dominion.’ We prefer ‘dominion.’”).

And while Alex’s family’s company has brought joy to the world with such game gems as (Ahem! Ahem!!) Le Bail’s Gambit, he nonetheless describes them as “horrible people.”

Regardless, Grace still wants in.

Much to her regret.

“No, you don’t f*ck Mr. Le Bail. Mr. Le Bail f*cks you.”

Ready or Not is a wildly entertaining ride from Radio Silence, specifically, Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett, who’ve graced previous ¡Qué horror! rundowns with their contributions to V/H/S and Southbound.

And while their first ¡Qué horror! feature Candidate is primarily a comedy (don’t let that one sheet fool you), it does feature horror elements in its narrative, and there’s sufficient gore and repulsion on display to warrant a mention here.

With Adam Brody (as Alex’s older brother Daniel), Andie MacDowell (as family matriarch Becky), and Orphan Black’s Kristian Bruun (as another married-into-the-family, Fitch Bradley) in the cast, Ready or Not is a blackly amusing entry in “The Crazy Sh!t Rich People Do” subgenre.

“F*cking rich people.”

(Ready or Not OS courtesy of impawards.com.)

THE FINAL GIRLS

(March 2015)

"Welcome to Camp Blue Finch, where romance in the sun can turn deadly!”

--VO from Camp Bloodbath trailer

Taissa Farmiga is Max Cartwright, whose late mother Amanda (Malin Akerman) happened to play one of the luckless teens in the “granddaddy of all campsite slasher films,” Camp Bloodbath.

On the anniversary of her mother’s death, Max finds herself at a Camp Bloodbath double bill (the original and the “so much cooler than the original” sequel, Camp Bloodbath 2: Cruel Summer), where something strange happens, dumping Max and her friends--plus frenemy Vicki, played by a post-Vampire Diaries Nina Dobrev--right into the film.

Mad, comedic horror mayhem ensues.

“I’m The Mean Girl in the ‘80’s horror movie, and we’re past the midpoint, so, you know… I’d say that I’ve overstayed my welcome.”

--Vicki

Todd Strauss-Schulson’s The Final Girls is one of those titles that, though firmly rooted in the horror genre, is, in the final analysis, not a horror film. Thus, this extra-¡Qué horror! rundown shout-out.

Now, the above plot crunch should tip you off that this is a meta title, preoccupied with the rules and the conventions of the genre. It would, in fact, make for a very interesting comedic counterpoint to/double bill with The Cabin in the Woods. (It should be noted that what The Final Girls loses in outright horror, it makes up for in some potent emotion and heart.)

So, if you’re looking for some fun in your Halloween horror viewing, pack your bags for The Final Girls! (Which, BTW, is tagged by the trailer as “The Feel Good Horror Movie of the Year.”)

In the immortal words of The Party Girl, Tina, “Best summer ever!”

“They won’t be singing ‘Kumbaya.’ They’ll be screaming ‘Kum Ba No!’

“Pack your bags for Camp Bloodbath, where the only marshmallow that will roast… is your sanity!”

--VO from Camp Bloodbath trailer

(The Final Girls OS’ courtesy of impawards.com, slashfilm.com, & ew.com.)

IRON SKY

(Review)

Witness an invasion of Earth like no other in Timo Vuorensola’s Iron Sky, in which Nazis from the dark side of the Moon set about to conquer the planet they abandoned in 1945.

Like Juan de los Muertos, Iron Sky is comedy that’s saying something (about perception and politics, for starters), and if only for that, this should be on your radar.

Yes, there’s a Sarah Palin analogue here (Stephanie Paul, as the unnamed US president gunning for re-election), but, let’s face it, just experiencing the cinematic bliss of Udo Kier as Mondführer Wolfgang Kortzfleisch--who’s only too eager to unleash his terrible Meteorblitzkrieg on the unsuspecting “sub-humans” of Earth--is worth the price of admission…

(Iron Sky OS courtesy of ironsky.net.)

LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS
(Review)

“It’s spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.”
“Christ, you’re a tit.”


It’s all right there in the title, innit?
The glorified send-ups of the B-movie romp—as exemplified by such films as James Gunn’s Slither and Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror—find a new recruit in Phil Claydon’s Lesbian Vampire Killers.
Here, there’s a little English village called Cragwich, with a curse laid down upon it by the dykey vampire queen, Carmilla (Van Helsing’s Silvia Colloca, who is now, by the way, Mrs. Richard Roxburgh; sign up for a movie single, and get a gorgeous wife out of it… brilliant!). As the curse goes, every village lass turns into a lesbian vampire on her 18th birthday.
But hope lies in Jimmy McLaren (Mathew Horne), the descendant of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III, who vanquished Carmilla once before. But in Jimmy’s blood also lies Carmilla’s one shot at resurrection.
And all we need for that, is a virgin.


Yup. It’s that kind of British horror-comedy.
And while it may not fulfill its promise as successfully as a Shaun of the Dead or a Severance, it’s nonetheless a sight funnier than efforts like The Cottage.
At the very least, there’s loads of hot women in this, so that’s got to count for something, yeah?

“Yup. Lesbian vampires.”
“How ridiculous.”
“No. Just another one of God’s cruel tricks to get on my tits. Even dead women would sooner sleep with each other than get with me, it would appear. But eatin’ me alive? Oh, no, that’s fine!”


Much of the film’s humour can be found in the funny, overweight sidekick figure, as essayed by Nick Frost in Shaun of the Dead, or to use an American example, Tyler Labine in Reaper.
In Lesbian Vampire Killers, that role is taken quite ably by James Corden (The History Boys’ Timms, who’s been previously paired with Horne on TV’s Gavin & Stacey and Horne & Corden). As Fletch, Corden gets away with most of the script’s winningest lines.
That said, the script (by Stewart Williams and Paul Hupfield) just isn’t as hilarious as I imagine it could have been, given the patently preposterous premise.


Still and all, it’s a bit of harmless, goofy fun (the sort of fun where lesbian vampire blood isn’t red at all, but rather, a milky white substance, looking much like gallons of… umm… err… never mind).
There’s also what could very well be a fleeting verbal nod to hentai classic, Chôjin densetsu Urotsukidôji. (I was hoping for a subsequent visual, but sadly, that never came to pass.)
So if that sounds to your liking, well then, check Lesbian Vampire Killers out by all means.
It may not be a classic by modern horror-comedy standards, but it does give it a good go.

“Lesbian vampires?!”
“Next time, he’ll have me bummed by a big, gay werewolf, I swear!”


Parting shot: Reviews of Severance, The Cottage, Slither, Planet Terror, and The History Boys can be found in the Archive.

(Lesbian Vampire Killers UK quad and images courtesy of empireonline.com.)

THE COTTAGE
(Review)

Paired up with mottephobic Peter (The League of Gentlemen’s Reece Shearsmith), David (Andy Serkis) finds himself in the middle of a raging storm of ineptitude as a criminal get-rich-quick scheme goes terribly awry in Paul Andrew Williams’ horror/comedy, The Cottage.
Now, as I’ve mentioned ‘round these parts before, horror/comedies are a tricky bunch, as both aspects—usually regarded as disparate—have to harmonize properly for the work as a whole to succeed.
Sadly, in The Cottage’s case, it’s in the comedy where things get wonky.


The humour in Williams’ script is brutally laboured and distinctly unfunny, and the decision to introduce the horror elements of the narrative rather late in the game puts even more pressure on an aspect of the film that’s already a hobbled mess.
It doesn’t help that Peter comes off as a horribly annoying, spineless twat, which isn’t so much Shearsmith’s fault, but rather that this is what the role asks of him.
It’s to Serkis’ credit that The Cottage is even remotely watchable, as he brings a brooding air to the ‘ard c*nt that David is.
And in those all-too-brief moments when he brings genuine emotion and a welcome humanity to David, Serkis emerges as the indispensable cog that keeps the film’s sputtering engine running.
As for the horror elements, they range from familiar (the threat) to commendable (the gruesome gore and splatter; watch out for that nasty bit of spadework).


What’s all the more curious about this is that The Cottage is Williams’ follow-up to his critically-acclaimed feature debut, London to Brighton.
It’s odd that London to Brighton seemed a much more assured and effective piece. And while the script for The Cottage was reportedly written years ago, even before London to Brighton, I’d like to think Williams would have done some revisions on it before finally bringing it before the cameras.
As it is, The Cottage doesn’t really work very well, and if you’re on the hunt for a British horror/comedy that does its job (and really, who isn’t?), you’d be better served to turn to Christopher Smith’s Severance (review in Archive) or Edgar Wright’s Shaun of the Dead (where, incidentally, Shearsmith also appears).
But if you’re a Serkis fan, or can endure lame humour for some brief, bloody bits, then by all means, have at it.
There’s a lot worse out there than what’s in The Cottage.

Parting shot: Hellraiser fans should also note, there’s a Doug Bradley cameo in this, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s pretty negligible. (And please note, it isn’t Mr. Bradley’s fault, either.)

(The Cottage UK quad and images courtesy of bloody-disgusting.com.)

SEVERANCE (Review)

For anyone who’s ever thought that team building seminars are a load of bollocks, well, Severance is the film for you.
Directed by Christopher Smith (who helmed the Franka Potente-starrer, Creep), Severance follows a group of Palisade Defence employees, taking a break from a tour of Eastern Europe for a team building weekend in a luxury lodge up in the mountains. Things don’t go quite as planned, of course, and much horror and hilarity ensue.

Horror/comedy mash-ups are always a tricky thing; sometimes the horror is tepid, or the comedy lame. The worst cases are when neither part of the equation works.
There are however, the exceptions, when the production captures just the right mix and leaves us with a classic: John Landis’ An American Werewolf in London; Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever; Edgar Wright’s Shaun of the Dead; James Gunn’s Slither; John Gulager's Feast.
Now you can add Severance to that list.

Lotta funnies here, as the film mines whatever is handy for its potential comedic value: sight gags, points of view, grindhouse conventions, even breaking the fourth wall.
Smith and company then display a canny understanding of comedy, by knowing the value of experiencing the anticipation of a funny, then having the pay-off be the consequence of the funny, without actually showing the audience the funny. (Down that verboten road lies physical comedy and slapstick.)
The funnies are then balanced against the more horrific aspects of the narrative as the machetes and bear traps are pulled out with a splatter flourish.
So effective is the melding that in one memorable sequence, we go from mild amusement to wince-inducing horror on the turn of a dime.

Additionally, what makes Severance even more enjoyable are the performances.
While the characters are borderline stereotype, the actors bring a welcome level of honesty and heart to the table that brings these characters to life (at least until the time comes for them to die).
So, while you may have seen the likes of Richard, the ineffectual boss (Blackadder’s Tim McInnerny, also recognizable to the kiddie congregation as Alonzo, Cruella’s butler from the Dalmatians movies), Gordon, the enthusiastic over-achiever (Andy Nyman), or Steve, the off-his-tits-on-`shrooms under-achiever (Danny Dyer, from Justin Kerrigan’s Human Traffic) before, the actors nevertheless leave an impression, and make the proceedings all the more entertaining.
And yes, I use the words “enjoyable” and “entertaining” to describe a film which has people fleeing through the woods screaming for their lives.

Certainly a sight better than Smith’s previous effort, Creep (which was little more than ho-hum horror we’d all seen before), Severance is an effective exercise in getting us to scream our fool bloody heads off while we stifle the mad giggles. There is even a subtextual swipe against the military and weapons manufacturers that may give one pause in between the shrieks and guffaws. (And in today’s post-9/11 world, you can’t go wrong with that.)

Parting shot: Severance opened last year in Ireland and the United Kingdom on August 25, just two weeks after Wilderness, a film with which it shares a couple of similarities in regards to situation and methods of dispatch. Ultimately though, the films are different entities, and though I may have enjoyed Severance more, Wilderness is still an effective shocker that could be your thing, if straight-up horror is more to your tastes. (Wilderness reviewed here: Archive March 2007.)

(Severance OS courtesy of truemovie.com.)